Much of the suffering of this life
is the result of circumstances over which we have little control. A broken
world has its pieces scattered
everywhere. Few of us can find a space that is not effected in negative ways.
But it is the part of our pain that comes from our own hand that presents a
special problem - when we have no one to blame, when we can not play the victim
card, when we are forced to look inside ourselves with fear of what we might
see. How does a healthy Christian respond to personal failure? I am not going
to suggest that I am a model of spiritual health but I think I can identify a
healthy Christian. I am a Christian in large part because of a letter that I
read from a prisoner. This man suffered greatly because of his sins and the
sins of others. His attitude and sense of hope in the face of failure impressed
me greatly. I am referring to the Apostle Paul.
My early Christian experience was
spent pouring over PaulÕs letter to the Romans, chapter 6-8. I literally wore
out the pages in my Bible as I tried to understand the significance of PaulÕs
teaching on dying with Christ through faith and living in the power of the
resurrection. I knew that the truth of chapter six was important but I did not
experience its freedom. Was I a substandard Christian? Was I a Christian at
all? I certainly was defeated, frustrated, and confused. I found myself
identifying with Paul in Romans seven where he confesses the frustration of
living under the law, Òwretched man that I am, I do that which I do not want to
do and I donÕt do the things I know I should.Ó It was not until I read PaulÕs
letter to the Philippians, the third chapter that I found comfort. In verses
13-14 Paul bears testimony to his own process of striving but not yet achieving
the glorious state of the life of resurrection freedom. PaulÕs testimony
offered a window into the life of a healthy Christian who was responding to
personal failure with hope, courage, and peace. After reading his words, I also
found new hope, courage, and peace. This is what the Apostle Paul wrote in
verses 13-14 ÒI do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one
thing I do forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.
I press on toward the goal for the prixe of the upward call of God in Christ
Jesus.Ó
Paul begins by referencing an
audit of his soul, ÒI do not regard.Ó The word is often translated ÒreckonÓ Òto assess or
keep score.Ó The context indicates that the ÒitÓ is the resurrection power of
Christ spoken of in Romans six. Paul is saying, ÒI have failed to experience my
potential in ChristÓ, ÒI have fallen short of my calling as one who bears the
image of GodÓ, ÒI am not where I could be.Ó Now this is not what I would expect
to hear from an apostle who was struggling to be respected within the Christian
community. I might expect that if Paul had any failings, he would overlook them
but certainly not parade them in print for the whole church to read. On second
thought, when we come to understand PaulÕs theology of the Christian life, we
realize that his humble confession is in keeping with his understanding of
spiritual power through human weakness. It is in his humility and sense of need
for grace that ChristÕs Spirit is most alive in him. In I Tim.1Ó15 ÒChrist
Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all.Ó It
is significant that Paul uses the present tense ÒamÓ not the past tense
ÒwasÓ. We do not know what sin or
sins Paul had in mind. He does not get specific but he does reveal a
vulnerability that comes form an understanding of the radical grace of the
gospel. Paul was not afraid to look deeply into his life because he understood
that where sin abounds grace does all the more abound. Paul did fear that he
would run in vain and after preaching grace to others he would be found
clinging to his own righteousness for the well-being of his soul. In Romans
seven, verse twenty-one he confesses ÒI find then the principle that evil is
present in me,
the one who wishes to do good.Ó Again, the evil Òis presentÓ not Òwas present.Ó
Paul was in process. He had spots on his record. He was in need of grace.
Paul did not find that discipline
in keeping the law was his goal. Integrity for Paul was not holiness before the
law but humility before the law. The law was not given to make him holy so much
as make him humble. This was the point of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus reviews
the Law of Moses as the Jewish leaders had understood it and then corrects
their understanding with his own interpretation of its demands. The point of
the Law was to expose the human need for a Savior who would grant grace to
those who had no real righteousness of their own according to the flesh but
could have a perfect righteousness of faith through trust in the resurrected
Jesus of the cross.
It might be noted at this point
that there are two radically different paths to the sense of connectedness that
builds Christian community. Paul was building community by connecting with his
brothers and sisters in the faith as well as with God, by being vulnerable and
exposing his common need for grace. It was not his victories over sin in the
flesh through discipline that bound him to the Christian family. It was his
brokenness and his openness to the grace of God in Christ that drew him near to
others. This powerful point is illustrated in the parable of the Prodigal Son
(Lk.15). As you recall, the Prodigal returns home to an intimate reunion with
his father after a life of foolish rebellion in a distant land. He humbles
himself in repentance and it is in that state of humility and vulnerability
that the father meets him, greets him, and communes with him. The parable
contrasts the Prodigal with his older brother who was counting on his
disciplined life to bind him to the family in a sense of celebrated community.
The older brother does not even go into the party that is thrown for the
Prodigal but stays out, is left out, and is disconnected from both the Prodigal
and the father. There is a lesson here for us about the connecting that builds
community. It comes not from our disciplined outer life so much as from our
inner and outward brokenness. Too often, GodÕs people poison the well of
intimate community with their prideful emphasis on disciplined management of
life and judgmental attitude toward those who have failed. It is not without
reason that King David said, ÒLet us now fall into the hand of the Lord for His
mercies are great, but do not let me fall into the hand of man.Ó (II
Sam.24:14). A crowd of Òlife managersÓ makes for a superficial church, a place
not safe for struggling saints in process. I remember a T shirt that I saw in a
clothing store in Bolder Colorado. It had a picture of a man with his arms
stretched toward heaven in prayer with the large words, ÒJesus Save MeÓ with
the fine print following, Òfrom your followers.Ó
How can I conduct an audit of my
soul? How can I assess myself honestly? Looking into the mirror is not the
challenge so much as what I choose to see when I look there. An emotionally ill
person is so, not only because he or she fails to experience reality, but more
because he or she fails to identify reality. In my own spiritual audit I was
forced to see a deeply rooted pride that was disguised by a humble exterior. I
did not feel superior to others and more often than not deferred to others.
This left me feeling humble and it gave the same impression to many who
observed my life. But my pride was a serious problem, more serious than the
kind of pride that compares self favorably with others. It was the pride that
stands independent of God, resisting the moral law of God and also resisting
the radical grace of God. It was the pride that maintains a certain spiritual
autonomy that cuts to the very core of genuine Christian faith. I had to face
the fact that I was in my flesh addicted to spiritual rebellion and
independence. My outward problems and sins were serious enough but they masked
a deeper challenge to my relationship with God and others. It would require a
painful and persistent audit of my soul to expose the root of my soulÕs sorrow.
This audit would require the help
of others who would create a safe place for me to explore the region of my soul
that was hidden from view. It was hidden from others and from me. The audit
would also need the probing questions and careful listening of others who were
genuinely interested in my soulÕs health. As I reflect back on my experience I
can identify four commitments that I now see as important in the process of a
personal audit of oneÕs soul. One, I must seek community where I have the
courage to be open and the willingness to hear critique. Two, I must assume
that I have a blind spot that I can only know if I work hard to hear those who
see me in a way that I cannot. Three, When criticized, I must not hide behind
an Òillegal procedureÓ call, deflecting attention from my need to hear what
others see in me. Four, I must be slow to make a final assessment of my
problems and their solutions.
What keeps me from seeing myself
honestly? It is the very pride that I need to have exposed. Thinking and acting
like I have arrived when I havenÕt. That is the greatest obstacle to the audit
process. There were two tricks that my pride uses to defend the trap door to
its hiding place deep in my soul. One, it insisted on what I now call,
ÒChristianity lite.Ó This starts with Òlaw liteÓ which says, ÒI can manage life
because it is only the sins that I can control that count.Ó This leads to Òsin
liteÓ which says, ÒIÕm not that bad. I live a fairly disciplined life.Ó Next
comes Òrepentance liteÓ with the response, ÒYes, we all sin now and then. ItÕs
no big deal.Ó ÒGrace liteÓ follows, saying, ÒI just need a little more
discipline in some areas with a new strategy and support system to better
manage life.Ó
The second trick schooled by my
pride is the tendency to Òcook the booksÓ of my life story, to edit the internal
audit, so to speak. The way I tell my story is revealing. I can exaggerate my
faults or marginalize their presence. I could for example manage selective
parts of my life quite well. When I looked inside I preferred to notice the
areas of strength, my success stories. I did not have a temper, I was not
materialistic, I was gracious and generous with others Ð audit complete. What I
refused to see was an independent spirit, a self-protective defensiveness, a
willingness to compromise my Christian values to medicate my pain, and a
self-centered agenda that was cleverly disguised by outward devotion to
ministry. The courage to look inside our failures and see ourselves is
important but it is not enough.
When forced to face our failures,
weaknesses, and sins we can easily be overwhelmed and discouraged. Two types of
people miss GodÕs blessing Ð the victims and the proud. The ÒproudÓ have a
false hope. They sense that they can manage life. They act like they have
arrived when they have not. The ÒvictimsÓ on the other hand have no hope. They
live in pity. They feel that they can do nothing right. They feel like its over
when it isnÕt. When Paul says, Òforgetting what lies behindÓ he is refusing to see
himself as a victim while at the same time he is fully aware that he has not
arrived. PaulÕs theology of the spiritual life found GodÕs strength in human
weakness. He saw his spiritual lack as an opportunity for a display of GodÕs
grace and glory as well as an opportunity to share the suffering of Jesus.
I received a powerful letter from
a member of my congregation shortly after I resigned my position as a pastor.
In the letter I was reminded of a point that I had made in a sermon just a few
weeks earlier. I had forgotten this point and it was just what I now needed to
hear as I felt like a failure, a victim, and excluded from any place of
significance in GodÕs kingdom. My friend encouraged me to see failures,
injustices, suffering, and pain as an opportunity to live out certain
attributes of God that could only be fully appreciated in such circumstances.
Attributes like, courage, grace, patience, hope, love, faith, etc. are most
meaningful in the face of hard times and failure. The effect of this letter was
to encourage me to never feel sorry for myself, to never blame others, to never
sense that the most important challenge for me was to be understood and treated
fairly. The challenge was rather to realize how my circumstances no matter how
painful, could provide an opportunity to respond in a way that would express
certain virtues of the indwelling Christ.
My response to failure, not the appearance of a
blemishless record, is the key to our testimony. Everyone of us will fail in
many ways. Everyone will not however respond to failure in the right way. The
response not the failure will determine who will grow spiritually. Failure
brings special opportunities for obedience but it will take faith and courage
to grasp those opportunities. Appearance, a clean outward record is not the key
to our testimony. It is not true that once we loose face or fail in life, it is
over. We should not conclude that it is over when it isnÕt. Sometimes the failure
is simply an opportunity for brokenness, repentance, a deep experience of GodÕs
grace, an opportunity to grow. ÒBlessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is
the kingdom of heavenÓ (Mat.5:3).
ÒI press on toward the goal for the price of the upward
call of God in Christ Jesus.Ó (vs.11). These words tell us that Paul, while
fully aware of his shortcomings is committed to move on with his life motivated by a vision of Christ Jesus.
He realized that the passions of the flesh are powerful and cannot be curbed
except they be overshadowed by an even greater passion. Our lives are governed
by competing passions. We have strong desires of longings to find security,
significance, and serenity by self-protective strategies apart from God. I am
wrong to assume that more money, recognition, and greater influence is key to a
deep feeling of wellbeing. I know
people who have those things and are not secure, happy, of fulfilled and I know
people who have none of those blessings and are very settled in life. The
selfish passions that motivate me to Òfind my lifeÓ apart from God are in
competition within my spirit with other passions. There is within me a desire
to follow ChristÕs challenge to Òloose my lifeÓ for Christ so that I might find
it. These competing passions are at war with each other. My behavior will
indicate the state of the battles in the war within my soul for my behavior
will be a response to a deep passion or passions.
The lesson for me is that I must acquire an image of God
and myself that is powerful enough to arrest my passions for immediate
gratification and motivate me to forsake all to gain Christ.
How am I to experience real change in my life? How can I
curb the desire to live for myself and not for Christ? How can I change sinful
habits that never seem to fully disappear? For many years in my own Christian
life I felt that what I really needed was more discipline. I thought that my problem
was a lack of technique and discipline to follow Christ. I was searching for a
solution to this problem and found that there were seminars and books that
promised to solve my problem. As attractive as some of the advice seemed to be,
I was usually left discouraged by the fact that it seldom produced the desired
results.
As I studied the teaching of the apostle Paul I was struck
by his emphasis on our identity in Christ and the importance of experiencing
the presence of GodÕs love as an empowering presence. His words in Ephesians
1:18-19 make this point. ÒI pray that the eyes of your heart may be
enlightened, so that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the
riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing
greatness of His power toward us who believe.Ó It is not the law of God that
holds the key to progress in practical holiness so much as the love of God
experienced deeply in our lives. The strength and object of our passions will
determines our posture in living. It is our love for God that curbs our
appetite for selfish indulgences and it is our experience of GodÕs love for us
that awakens our love for God. Experiencing this love is something that we can
pray for but ultimately God has to grant to us through the ministry of His
Spirit.
So how are we to respond to failures in our lives? In
short we are to see failure and the suffering that follows as, among other
things, an opportunity to know and show the nature of God.